So, I stepped on the scale today. It was not a number a wanted to see, but not a number that surprised me. I have been avoiding the scale like the plague for at least a month now. Which, isn't necessarily a bad thing. There was a point where I was weighing myself 2-3 times a day, which led to disappointment and discouragement. But, avoiding it has led to the very same thing. Sometimes I feel like I cant win for losing...literally!
I knew in my heart that the scale would not show me a number that would put a smile on my face though. Not only have I been avoiding the scale, Ive been avoiding healthy choices and exercising...and maybe my feelings a little bit too.
Ive been on an emotional roller coaster over the last few months. I got some devastating news about a friend. I went through some personal health scares myself. I had my feelings hurt deeply by another, and I have felt unappreciated by my very own family. On top of all that, I am extremely busy! Between sessions, weddings, kids, home life, and my daughters softball games, I don't know which way is up most of the time. I felt like I was constantly juggling a million things at once! And to make it worse, it felt like everybody still wanted more from me, as if I wasn't doing enough.
Then there is...The guilt.
The guilt that my house was in total disarray and I had no spare time to clean.
The guilt that I was always working at the computer.
The guilt that I couldn't keep up with the laundry.
The guilt that I was constantly yelling at my kids.
The guilt that I was so tired by the end of the day I had no desire for my husband.
The guilt that I was eating my emotions.
The guilt that I wasn't making time for me.
The guilt that I had caused the issues between my friend and I.
The guilt that I couldn't do anything to change my friends sad news.
The guilt that there is never enough money to go around.
The guilt that I wasn't spending enough quality time with my kids.
The guilt that I was easily annoyed by my husbands constant need for attention.
The guilt of things that Ive done in the past.
The guilt that Im not strong enough, smart enough, or pretty enough.
The guilt that Im not reaching my goals.
The guilt that I feel so guilty all the time.
The guilt that I was JUST. NOT. ENOUGH!
All of these were weighing me down. Causing me to lose focus. Making feel worthless. Not capable of being who I really am. They made me sad, mad, and hopeless.
Im not over them. I still feel that way.....but TODAY, I am putting them aside. They will no longer be my excuse for not taking care of myself the way that I deserve. I want to be HAPPY. I want to be HEALTHY. And most of all I want to be FREE!
I think by writing it out, getting it off my chest, I can begin to move forward. I don't want to be stuck in this rut forever. I don't want this back and forth struggle. Not just with my weight but with my emotions as well. I know that I am a VERY strong person, but I have weak moments. Everybody does. But, I am BETTER than those excuses and I am STRONGER than those excuses!
My schedule isn't going to change with this 'release of excuses'. My teenager isn't going to quite being disrespectful. Money will still be tight. My house wont be cleaner. The laundry will still be piled up. BUT....I will MAKE time to take care of myself. For MYSELF. For my FAMILY. For HAPPINESS. For HEALTH!
I hope that when I look back at this in one month I will be able to say that I did make changes and that I made progress as well. I hope that I can say I am happier and healthier and that it was worth the struggle, hard work and commitment.
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